I · LIFE · Story

The power of a new hairstyle

Scovid or Scovida, as the child had named her, walked in through the front door; head bowed like someone who had been caught red-handed being herself. Although her name was Scovia, she had come at a time when the word COVID was ever present around the house and, the little boy learnt new words by rhyming them with old ones he already knew. We found her new name hilarious. I thought it was by chance that I had heard him connect some words this way before but it really came to me, this technique of his, when I found out one of his first friends at school was not called Bathroom but Jethro [-om].

The braids that Scovid chose were just like mine. I knew they would be similar because she had asked me what my hairstyle was called. I thought a pencil Kiswahili would suit her, since she spent most of her time in the house cleaning it or within the compound walls running after the child or gossiping with the other maid.

She did try to make hers a little bit distinctive from mine; with light brown streaks running through the off-black fibre in a shoulder length and wavy fashion. The last time I had suggested that my house-help should go to the salon and have her hair plaited, she had left within a month. Something told me to just watch and see.

That very night, I heard her, for the first time, hurl an insult. I think she had probably hurled insults at me before or at least at the runaway father of her child but she always spoke in her language when she was on the phone. This time, I was walking past the counter on my way out of the kitchen when she re-entered, after an intense phone call to a village mate and said with an unusual forcefulness, in an accent that made the word sound a little less English and a little more African, “Nonsense!”

After that, I saw a small red hand-mirror with melted flowery plastic petals glued onto the round edges lying by her bag. I had not known that she owned a mirror within the only one cloth bag that held all her belongings.

She regards me with suspicion every time I tell her to do something. She observes me with a focused gaze to see whether I will treat her differently now that I can see that we are both women. It is for this same reason that I don’t tell her my age, because it might be hard for her to accept that we are the same age but we were born in different lives. It reminds me of my first maid Carrot. For her, it had not been because she felt we were equals, it had been because she had judged herself better but that life had dealt her a bad hand.

Becoming a mother for the first time was like getting a new hairstyle. While I had feared that it would diminish me, and in a way it did because I have little time to be my ‘self’, it had instead broken me down into pieces and rebuilt a more resilient version of me. I finally understood the meaning of time, how it slipped through the cracks, how to measure it- in blocks- the time when the baby was sleeping, the time when baby was awake- the time to drink water so I could pump milk- the time to pump- the time to eat- time when the house was quiet. Time.

It no longer went unnoticed. Now, I would know the pain of stagnation, the pain of waste.

When I came here, I had just turned 23. It was two months after University and the memories of my quiet life between my residence and the University lecture halls were still fresh. The law building was all glass. They said it was because they wanted to show that the law was just and transparent. I think I have always felt safe just focusing on the current, what I could see, what I could do. I hadn’t thought about what would I do when I left Hatfield, so he had thought for me. I would go to an internship in a nice country, and after that, work in a community organisation. I was after all, malleable, soft, kind, peaceable. I didn’t go.

A haggard insecurity haunts this place. The discomfort brought forth by my presence alters something in the atmosphere. I’m not a disrupter. I had always been content to flow behind the wind that blows the curtains. I suffer under its gaze, this expectation, this fury, this separation, this isolation, this fight.

Today, as I walked out onto the greyish parking lot of the mall where I had taken refuge, it dawned on me, in the hot heavy undertone of the air before a storm falls, that the most difficult part is, I had wanted to stay. I had wanted it to be the one. I had accepted any kind of treatment because, I would be the one who did not stir trouble. I would be the one who dwelt overburdened and unseen- like a sea creature under still water. I had wanted to be the one who stayed.

I

Amandla

amandla. also mandla. <meaning: POWER> origin- Zulu; South Africa. Chanted during the political uprisings against the apartheid regime. In relation to the release of Nelson Mandela.

The Black Lives Matter protest is going on in America. The palest colour is biting their tongues. Similar shades from the same palette are quiet, hoping they will never be found out for the slave trade they are carrying on right now beneath our noses. The rest of the world is attempting to remain politically correct and unstained. Africa is secretly wondering whether to even step in, whether we even belong to this cause. I call it Africa because The Partition of Africa happened. That is why they call it Africa. They know our history more than we do.

I cannot really blame black Americans for the divide between us and them. And neither can I fully blame us for it. I suspect that some of the contributors to Anti African sentiment and suspicion, is that in the 60s, while they were fighting for civil rights, we were getting scholarships from our former colonial Masters to go to Europe and study medicine. We shall never fully understand the impact of their experience and most of us will never live it. A mustard seed planted by their oppressors is the comfort is that at least they are better than us who remained, “better than those Africans in ‘Africa'”. Add to that, the ‘rumours’ that some African Kings allowed slave traders to raid their villages in exchange for beads and rifles and therefore making us complicit to the slave trade that led to 400 years of captivity, the imposing of a ‘nigg*r’ identity, targeted incarceration and the current tactical elimination through police brutality.

Can we ever be friends or at least allies?

Alice Walker’s Nettie in The Colour Purple asks whether Africans can at least acknowledge their partial contribution to the slave trade. She does not demand an apology, just an acknowledgement. Listening to the contemporary podcast the Great Girlfriends showed me that its not just anger that simmers between these group of related people. There is a lot more but it all seems to revolve around pain and unanswered questions.

According to the little history I know of my people, slavery is as old as some African Kingdoms. Although I would like to believe that it was an imposition of the lowest level of servitude and serving mainly a class stratification purpose, the real [maybe terrible] details of it are to be found no where. Our oral tradition works against us. However, it did exist in pre-colonial times. Kingdoms invaded other Kingdoms or communities and looted both property, women (who at the time were also commodities) and men who would become slaves. The actual concept of ‘slavery’ as it was in the American context and in the Egyptian Israeli context may be completely different from what it meant in the African inter-community context. Still, this may have been the conducive environment in which Tippu Tip and other notorious slave traders were allowed to thrive.

I think our lack of foresight, our disunity, and our greed have played a huge role in enabling us to destroy our selves. The Imperialists did not have to do much to implement the Divide and Rule policy. They found the one thing that so easily destroys an establishment, disunity.

Another thing. About sowing seeds of mistrust between Black Americans (note that it is now mildly offensive to call a black ‘American’ an African American. And again I see why. Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie illustrates the dissension) and Africans on the soil is the issue of denigrating Africa’s culture as uncivilised. This angle played very well into mental slavery of the Black American. Now that they were clothed, did they want to go back to swinging their naked breasts back and forth like their ancestors? Or did they wish to go back to rearing lions and living in trees?

And for the Africans, the visual of our ancestors with their demonic ways, the portrayal of our names as weird sounding and ‘un-English’ and the declaration that our languages are unofficial and unrefined was enough to make us so reprehensible to ourselves such that if we could run from our skins we would. Some have. Micheal Jackson did. How proud we are when we replace the earthy beats from drums made from wood and animal skins to loud discordant sounds of a keyboard in our village churches.

It is too late now for English. I can barely write a story in my mother tongue and unlike my mother, I will never think or dream in my mother tongue. A case for English – it has helped in the intermarriages between different speaking people. [Even though a few elders are still squirmish about the thought of having to speak English in the household. I understand their fear because in their times, before us, English was reserved for the office, for school- lest you were punished with a sign post that reports you for speaking ‘vernacular’].

On the hairy side of things, our hair was well placed only if sleekly gelled and straightened – not rough and steel wooly, the kind of hair that would look best with a relaxer. Bad African hair could not go through a European comb. As soon as we were old enough, we begged for a relaxer. We didn’t have to dip a hot comb in the stove anymore, ours would be forever straight with a few retouches during the year. Then the natural hair movement came. It turned out that the chemicals we were layering in our head were not good for us. I could have sworn that some of these hair choices made us less brainy. But just when we were starting to get used to wearing our hair out, Brazilian hair and its counterfeits hijacked the movement.

My sister asked me, if the paler colour would ever give up their superiority and accept that we are all equal, especially since the thrills and frills and privilege had entered their heads. It occurred to me, in that moment as I replied, that no one, absolutely no one ever gives their power away. No one gives you ‘equality’.

No one is going to give us a sit at the proverbial table. We either manufacture our own tables or create an Africa which is indispensable to the table.

On the African American- African relationship, maybe Nettie was right. What if we acknowledged our role in creating the world we are in? What if acknowledged it, even right now? The kind of world we have created where our people have to become immigrants in order to live a good life. A world where people escape to the former colonialist’s land to seek political asylum. We are looking for acceptance from foreigners who benefited from our weaknesses.

Save yourself Africa.