The first time I took him, he was three months and three weeks old; not old enough to have neck control or developed enough to sit. I left him in the nanny‘s arms and rushed to the car with tears in my eyes.
This is what working mothers do, I thought. They leave their babies in the care of strangers and go off to sit at a desk. When I reached the car, I realised I had left my keys at the breastfeeding station. I found him surrounded by the gateman and another caretaker who were musing over his unusual name. My first instinct was to grab him and take him away. But, it was only day one, 10 minutes in. So, I shot them a look, touched his arm and as I looked into his face, I remembered who he was and why his name was what it is. I knew he would be okay.
Last night, as I walked through the kitchen for the third time or fourth time before allowing the day to end, I happened to look up and see my breast pump in the baby bottle container in the upper cupboard. My heart surfaced to the shores of my eyelids and I stopped and pushed it down again.
I took a picture of him in the backseat today, where he was mumbling silly words… “shay membe…” and the waves came surfacing again. I had done this before, but that time I had breastmilk packed. I had driven us both from maternity leave and jumped out at the side of the road, squeezed myself on the body of the car to avoid the whizzing bodas and speeding cars, carried him out of his newborn seat, pulled his baby hat back over his head and left him alone for a few seconds only to find him surrounded by others I knew even less than the woman I had just chatted with for a moment. This, today was the easier part.
I think today, he might have been about to cry. The silence and the “play for us some music” and the way he paced up and down the kitchen hovering behind me as I executed my pancake breakfast. “Can I put this in his bag?” he pointed to the setup on the counter.
“An important meeting today,” he had said. Though, as I watched him dress him up for his first day of school, I knew that he had stayed in town for more than just an important meeting.