Zenji

Generations

Is this what it feels like to grow old[er]?

I imagine, that this is what it felt like for people who had only known how to walk with their bare feet when they had to squeeze their toes into alignment and pad them with leather into what is now an indispensable clothing item called shoes. This is what it must have felt like for those whose overseas communication had only meant the post office to speak on the telephone. My grandfather used to always ask with a spark of joy and excitement, “Are you really in South Africa? Right at this moment that you are speaking to me? Are you really there? You are lying to me!” [translated from my local dialect].

We were the dot.com generation. Our parents called us ‘computer wizards’ because we knew how to start and shut down a desktop computer. Our first encounters with computers are documented in the Word Art pictures we saved and the bright bold three dimensional fonts we experimented with in Microsoft Word. Yet now future children may never need to know how to write. Why will they write in a book with a pencil when then can just type it out in clear standard handwriting on a glass screen?

Within the same lifetime that personal computers and mobile phones went from thought to tangible, from experimental to mass market, an even more complex mode of technology has emerged- Artificial Intelligence. With a handful of brains on the earth, an information and command system has developed that could potentially handle the workload of millions of brains and of hundreds of hours in just a few minutes. Some quantum theorists are promising that “the ones and zeros that created the worldwide web might soon become an abacus”. I do not even know what this really means at all, technically.

“It is what the train did to horses and what the light bulb did to candles.” It feels inevitable.

To live 100 years is strange. What was impossible at the beginning of a century might become commonplace at the end of the same century. Racial segregation was once public, accepted and enforced by law but has been relegated to a privately held view and as morally incorrect when it is publicly exposed. People for whom it was once impermissible to sit side by side in a classroom setting with some others, have now seen their children hold professions they themselves had not dreamed of ever being allowed to have.

When COVID came and shut down the way we did everyday life, we were told by our elders that this was not the first time the ‘world’ was being shut down. Though this time, because of how interconnected the world has become, a patient zero in Wuhan can pause life everywhere. It was a pandemic!

After the pandemic, many millennials are reported to have resigned from their corporate jobs. It was called the great resignation. Being absorbed into a big corporate organisation was once considered the height of professional success. It was the safe secure path to financial and career success. After the pandemic, many corporate workers re-evaluated the ‘9 to 5’ (the 8 to 5.30). They questioned why they had to come in to an office building to work, why they had to attend meetings in person or even wear suit bottoms for those meetings.

Furthermore, now that millennials are parents, the current psychological premise of parental ineptitude causing life long trauma no longer sounds wholesomely without flaws. Millennial parents have since been reporting experiencing ‘trauma’ like feelings arising from [raising] their children.

This is how it feels. Sometimes it feels like the world is evolving faster than we can comprehend. Sometimes it feels like the old way was better. Why are the children being taught sounds instead of the alphabet. What is wrong with school uniforms?

Sometimes it also feels like some things should evolve faster; like what it means to go to driving school, take a driving test and then have a permit less soul climb onto a two wheeled vehicle, enter a highway, grab passengers along the way, without ever having studied a traffic light, heard of the standard look left, right and left again protocol or even caught a whisper of the concept of right of way. While in other countries, you can actually fail a driving test, multiple times!

Even though driving school was not legitimate and for many of us, our real driving lessons were from our parents [and some people from taxi drivers], we at least had a semblance of it. Passing driving school and getting a permit is like most things, it goes to whoever can pay with money. Although some driving school instructors make it clear that female students may pay in some other way. It is another one of those things here that, if you are too eager to do it properly, the system will punish you for not conforming. “Do you really think you can operate a manual car?” “You really think you can pass the reverse parking test? ” “You will fail and lose all the money you paid.” … Someone I was born with was once thrown in a police cell for quoting a traffic law to a traffic police officer.

Growing older makes you think about things like, why do we always have low standards for ourselves? The rest of the world is courting us, trying to recruit us for all purposes both good and evil but we still don’t see our value. We don’t have boundaries. We take whatever we are given and try to mutate it into an African purpose, deleting traditional structures, creative skills, musical instruments, stories, languages, dressing, agricultural and animal rearing practices, professional skills, talents and even colour because someone else supplanted it with their own. At least, the thought patterns that led us there could be taken into account or were our ancestors completely useless?

Growing older also makes you realise that you might be the last generation to speak your mother tongue.

… From mathematicians to scientific calculators, from Erikson to Apple, from Facebook to Metaverse, from google to Chat GPT. Maybe it’s like evolution, if the climate changes, sometimes you lose your fur and become an elephant.

Do village churches know what they sound like discordantly blasting their donated keyboards at every interlude? Don’t they realise that maybe drums and buchenche are more suitable to that style of music?

Our children will never know about or even consider the dominant national primary schools of our day when we first prepared to attend primary school. None of them exists now, some razed down and most others so substantially untenable that they in essence really do not exist.

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A new moisturiser can’t stop you from getting older

My adventure with American consumerist culture and unattainable perfection coincides with my journey out of my twenties, the need to control, the allure of perfection, – skin, shape, perfect endings – to conversations, to relationships, to life; and the second semi-apocalyptic wave of covid 19 in the country [and earlier, the world] these past two months.

Like most other teenagers, I battled with self image and self expression. When I learned to talk I said too much and when I tried to keep quiet, I sometimes expressed myself with strange things like the short lived relief of breaking glass [before you have to search for every last piece]. When I discovered the impact of food and exercise, I became adept at cutting out bad food and felt a little more ‘healthier than thou’ when someone in the supermarket aisle picked the junk food I had managed not to pick after my own dizzying battle with myself of Should I or should I not? The more chaotic I felt at different periods of my life, the less I ate and the more I controlled what I did not eat.

Goop came to me at a time when I was new to juggling career and motherhood. Their podcast made me feel a little bit more sane because it talked about intricate details of things I wondered about. There was an episode on hormones, thyroid function and imbalance after pregnancy. I listened to it like I had just received a revelation about my life. I would get home and remain in the parking lot listening to one more last word. I looked forward to the daily grind of shoving errant third lane drivers into pavements and in the way of rushing trailers during the morning’s traffic jam because of these podcasts. Finally I noticed that at the start and in the middle of the podcasts, they were selling something tangible- something perfect. Months before when I had read a review of Marie Kondo’s work, I had left feeling annoyed and disturbed at the writer’s cynicism. It was a video about folding clothes and the comment was, “Well, she must be selling some thing. She’s probably selling boxes.” What I did not know was that the commenter had more experience than I did with consumerist culture. They were American after all.

The first thing I got myself was a Schmidt’s deodorant last Christmas. I had dreamed of what it would feel like to stop worrying about what my natural brand deodorant was up to by lunch time. Due to my health concerns with conventional deodorant, I longed to finally be a part of Jean Godfrey June’s cohort of Schmidt’s wearers- her teenage son and her musician boyfriend who played in a band- all potential victims of excessive sweat. I was promptly disappointed. Even the cheapest commercial brands did not leave white streaks anymore. The stick melted and the odor of green tea in my arm pits not only made me question the choice of smelling like green tea but it also merged with me to create a much deeper funky scent accented by a hint of green tea. I convinced myself that Schmidt’s was not made for the African sun and our Ugandan humidity.

Stepping into the huge shoes of any new age is daunting, but especially if its a big rounded number like 30. Apart from viewing myself from the lens of what my 8 year old self would think of me- that is, a grown woman- I have the ultimate questions of a to-be 30 year old, Am I making it? One of the areas where I have constantly questioned myself is the goals I set myself and my impact in the work place. Coupled with this, is the constant need to prove that I am self reliant, that I am something to be proud of, that I turned out well, or in more colloquial terms, that I did not waste school fees. Amidst this, you start to notice the balding, the greying, the hunching, the glazing over of eyes once strong, of the axis upon which our life, support, self worth and validation once revolved. Anyway…Where are we going after this place is over?

So, in line with the above, I decided to buy a belated birthday present for one half of my life forming duo. I bought something that I could buy, but not something I could afford comfortably; like, if the government bought cars for the Olympic medalists whom on their normal salary could not afford to fuel for their cars. Through the sample kit I received with the package, I, in a shorter time frame than I had originally planned, experienced my long awaited first taste of one of the best advertised lotions on the website.

There was tingling and slight burning immediately but I looked a bit different [maybe the allusion of fancy?] the next day so I continued with it. If it had been that pink lotion that my aunt had brought my mother and me from a certain mama lususu some years back, I would have questioned it sooner. No, this was a high end product by well researched wellness focused wealthy people who in the words of Gwyneth’s mother about good marital matches, ‘do not take fixer-uppers.’ By day three, I had broken out in a rash and my skin was red from what I eventually learned was the 20% Ascorbic Acid in the cream. Still, I did not throw it out immediately. It has taken me days to accept that I bought into the world of aggressive marketing and organic 100% pure naturally derived wellness consumerism.

When I finally accepted that I had been confused by money and unattainable perfection, I found an article that explained everything to me, including a statement which should not have shocked me but did – A new moisturizer can’t stop you from getting older. Embedded in my new found interest for clean beauty was the fear that my pre-30 year old face might be my best face and that I will soon join that dark oblivion where mammy caricatures endure- no svelte, no edge – just sexlessness. Most fellow millennials still can’t believe that we are not the babies anymore, we are actually the ones having babies,; and yet for women our life armor still includes beauty. I have not yet been convinced by microblading, false lashes, wigs and makeup, probably because my dream list is more acupuncture, supplements, anti-oxidants, more sleep and face yoga. I think it has to do with the disappointing feeling that comes when you rub off the concealer, the primer, thefoundation, tinted moisturiser, blush, mascara and red lipstick. An un-contoured face becomes like an unfinished painting.

The beginning of the thirties comes with, the more important things, like the rush to collect and compare even more financial and career accolades as success indicators. Moisturiser should only be a small part, but clearly, it isn’t.