I · Story

1991

Yes, I have 100 tabs open in my head. There is a high pitched scream in the background every few minutes. Water somewhere on the floor is about to be slipped on, again, and the lingering smell of burnt potatoes stains my thinking. The one adult I see a day shows me his phone where artificial intelligence has just made a podcast featuring two people discussing a topic on Engineering out of the words he has just written. I keep hearing that a handful of people are programming robots to do things that more than half the human race were doing. Is this the economic apocalypse we were waiting for? I have been oscillating between sharing my gallery as it’s done these days and protecting myself from existing in perceptions outside of my control, between writing and never being, never offending, just slowly evaporating as if to have never existed.

It is interesting to think that soon we shall be in our mid-thirties, 34, 35. It came to mind when endlessly reading and listening to recounts of the life and end of a young man, an emblem of wealth and prosperity whose tragic end had caused the hearts of the nation to recoil.

More lightly though, it is interesting to think that 90s babies can now say “twenty years ago” and that twenty years ago includes a time when we had already grown into normal cognitive abilities.

I was thinking about how the passage of time has allowed me to see the almost complete evolution of a certain radio presenter, who after years of blazing hot disregard for the female sex, has become an almost reasonable two-eared person whom his alter ego would completely disagree with. At the age of fifty, the father of a one year old daughter, he expressed disdain for the remarks of a man who is him, 25 years earlier. This other man, who also loves to stir the public, mainly through the lens of his marriage, his wife as a human shield, jumped onto the social circus of the day to say that women should not require help from their husbands when raising children. In a complete U-turn, the former anti-woman vigilante who once, on his radio show asked listeners that, of what use was a wife to a man when he already had a housemaid, commented on the idea as ‘wild’ and implied that this other man’s opinion was irrelevant. In hindsight, I wonder if his show may all have just been an unfiltered stream of consciousness from a mind, whose wounds, oblivious to own self, bleed onto others.

Another distinct mark of my 90s, was malaria and quinine injections. Quinine for some reason got stuck in the muscle tissue and had to be kneaded forcefully in order not to completely disfigure the patient. It was also painful as it was administered and so, apart from the mother, there were always at least two back-up nurses to grab the children who got loose and run away. While walking to the clinic, the escape plan was always water tight, but in reality you only got so far. The mosquitoes then were so deliberate that you can tell whose childhood happened in Kampala and whose did not just by their immunity from the bites of a female anopheles mosquito.

… The 1990s were also a time when nail cutters were either scarce or non-existent on the market and so nails were cut with sharp razor blades. We took the razor blades to school to sharpen pencils and one time someone went further and brought a surgical blade. Later, when we graduated to using fountain pens and mathematical sets as upper class children, we handled injections for our pots of ink, and a compass for drawing perfect circles, which if not of the Oxford brand, had a metallic tip long enough to remove a tooth.

After all these years, I still haven’t got a puff, [an Afro ponytail on top of my head] and I’m now waiting on another little person’s hair to grow. To the few dreams of my own, I have added more, the vibrant confident abundant dreams of the little ones around me.

*

Some other person who, like his counterparts mentioned above, regularly misuses their social platform recently announced that he would be plucking his countrymen as grasshoppers and crushing them. Within this were tribal sentiments that are best left in primary school, evils that one dare not rush into. I see now, that we will live long enough to see that, not all grasshoppers remain so, in the eyes of their enemies, and sometimes, they trip giants and they fall.

*

I · LIFE · Story

Peace

Carrying Peace was like having a fire in my uterus. He is the first person that let me know how I truly was. If I was happy, I was and if I was sad, I was. I got sick if my thoughts were sad. I loved him whom I love with no fear or remorse. Yet, also, he pointed me to the injustices all round me. His brother’s birth had made me a warrior, his sister’s gave me courage, but he showed me what real love was, and what it wasn’t.

Peace, when I carried you, I told your father that it was like carrying a war in my stomach. You would not let things go. You would not allow me a hood over my head. Before you, everything lay open. I could feel how hot, how unrelenting you fought, so he said he would call you Zen.

Like me, you are sandwiched between, but yours is the only time I planned for. I waited for six months before you came. Eight months before, someone else had come, six weeks, and then left.

I have never felt as beautiful as I did when I carried you. I had no qualms, nothing I would add or reduce. A body shape protruding in a most elegant nature, with edges molded to my own, a light in my eyes, light and easy to carry.

When it was time to give birth, I thought April was such an uncommon month for a baby to be born. Months before, an angel had walked up to me in a hospital lobby and said that I shouldn’t be afraid and that If God took care of the animals that gave birth in the wilderness, He would take care of me too. So, when they scheduled the surgery, I did not appear. Something in me would not let me. I had heard your father speak to my own about the dates for the caesarian and for the second time in my life, I did not need approval.

Your birth started like a thunderstorm in the night. Throughout the day there had been signs. I had seen the little hand-sized cloud after weeks of desert sky. I knew it would rain. Minutes before you pushed down, the rain fell as I walked to the labour room in that open-back hospital gown.

I was squatting in the bathtub asking for hot water, telling the nurse the contents of my heart. There had been a change in shift and the second nurse’s aura had been dismissive. I looked up at her from my contractions and told her that she had abandoned me. I don’t know what she saw in my eyes but her face went pale and as she began to walk away, she said, “Tell me when you feel like you need to go.” I said to her, “I have been feeling like that for a while now.” She started to run and call for back up. I didn’t push. You came out, tilted your head towards me and you smiled. This is how you wanted to come.

The Christmas before, I had lain in bed at home with you at five months after being in hospital all morning. I had picked up COVID. Since I was carrying, all they could give me was ibuprofen. So I took ibuprofen and I hoped that the temperature would drop but it went higher and higher and my chest heaved and it was just me and you. I cried. You still would not let me hide.

You exposed my hurt. You exposed my love. You pick up on sensitivities so delicate. You are like a fire. You are both delicate and strong. You jump on the bed with blackened feet and then, you offer me a crack of a crisp. You pick up music like a maestro, praying and singing like you understand what it’s all about and then you paint the walls with markers. You come to me and you whisper, It’s okayyy, mummy. You beat your brother, who is three times bigger, with blows in his back and then at night when he is not ready to go up alone to his bed, you tell him, “Let’s go, I’ll take care of you.” No!” indignant, he responds, “I’ll take care of you, I’m the one to take care of you.”

Happy Third Birthday Zen.

*what a joy to have you all in my life*