Zenji

Generations

Is this what it feels like to grow old[er]?

I imagine, that this is what it felt like for people who had only known how to walk with their bare feet when they had to squeeze their toes into alignment and pad them with leather into what is now an indispensable clothing item called shoes. This is what it must have felt like for those whose overseas communication had only meant the post office to speak on the telephone. My grandfather used to always ask with a spark of joy and excitement, “Are you really in South Africa? Right at this moment that you are speaking to me? Are you really there? You are lying to me!” [translated from my local dialect].

We were the dot.com generation. Our parents called us ‘computer wizards’ because we knew how to start and shut down a desktop computer. Our first encounters with computers are documented in the Word Art pictures we saved and the bright bold three dimensional fonts we experimented with in Microsoft Word. Yet now future children may never need to know how to write. Why will they write in a book with a pencil when then can just type it out in clear standard handwriting on a glass screen?

Within the same lifetime that personal computers and mobile phones went from thought to tangible, from experimental to mass market, an even more complex mode of technology has emerged- Artificial Intelligence. With a handful of brains on the earth, an information and command system has developed that could potentially handle the workload of millions of brains and of hundreds of hours in just a few minutes. Some quantum theorists are promising that “the ones and zeros that created the worldwide web might soon become an abacus”. I do not even know what this really means at all, technically.

“It is what the train did to horses and what the light bulb did to candles.” It feels inevitable.

To live 100 years is strange. What was impossible at the beginning of a century might become commonplace at the end of the same century. Racial segregation was once public, accepted and enforced by law but has been relegated to a privately held view and as morally incorrect when it is publicly exposed. People for whom it was once impermissible to sit side by side in a classroom setting with some others, have now seen their children hold professions they themselves had not dreamed of ever being allowed to have.

When COVID came and shut down the way we did everyday life, we were told by our elders that this was not the first time the ‘world’ was being shut down. Though this time, because of how interconnected the world has become, a patient zero in Wuhan can pause life everywhere. It was a pandemic!

After the pandemic, many millennials are reported to have resigned from their corporate jobs. It was called the great resignation. Being absorbed into a big corporate organisation was once considered the height of professional success. It was the safe secure path to financial and career success. After the pandemic, many corporate workers re-evaluated the ‘9 to 5’ (the 8 to 5.30). They questioned why they had to come in to an office building to work, why they had to attend meetings in person or even wear suit bottoms for those meetings.

Furthermore, now that millennials are parents, the current psychological premise of parental ineptitude causing life long trauma no longer sounds wholesomely without flaws. Millennial parents have since been reporting experiencing ‘trauma’ like feelings arising from [raising] their children.

This is how it feels. Sometimes it feels like the world is evolving faster than we can comprehend. Sometimes it feels like the old way was better. Why are the children being taught sounds instead of the alphabet. What is wrong with school uniforms?

Sometimes it also feels like some things should evolve faster; like what it means to go to driving school, take a driving test and then have a permit less soul climb onto a two wheeled vehicle, enter a highway, grab passengers along the way, without ever having studied a traffic light, heard of the standard look left, right and left again protocol or even caught a whisper of the concept of right of way. While in other countries, you can actually fail a driving test, multiple times!

Even though driving school was not legitimate and for many of us, our real driving lessons were from our parents [and some people from taxi drivers], we at least had a semblance of it. Passing driving school and getting a permit is like most things, it goes to whoever can pay with money. Although some driving school instructors make it clear that female students may pay in some other way. It is another one of those things here that, if you are too eager to do it properly, the system will punish you for not conforming. “Do you really think you can operate a manual car?” “You really think you can pass the reverse parking test? ” “You will fail and lose all the money you paid.” … Someone I was born with was once thrown in a police cell for quoting a traffic law to a traffic police officer.

Growing older makes you think about things like, why do we always have low standards for ourselves? The rest of the world is courting us, trying to recruit us for all purposes both good and evil but we still don’t see our value. We don’t have boundaries. We take whatever we are given and try to mutate it into an African purpose, deleting traditional structures, creative skills, musical instruments, stories, languages, dressing, agricultural and animal rearing practices, professional skills, talents and even colour because someone else supplanted it with their own. At least, the thought patterns that led us there could be taken into account or were our ancestors completely useless?

Growing older also makes you realise that you might be the last generation to speak your mother tongue.

… From mathematicians to scientific calculators, from Erikson to Apple, from Facebook to Metaverse, from google to Chat GPT. Maybe it’s like evolution, if the climate changes, sometimes you lose your fur and become an elephant.

Do village churches know what they sound like discordantly blasting their donated keyboards at every interlude? Don’t they realise that maybe drums and buchenche are more suitable to that style of music?

Our children will never know about or even consider the dominant national primary schools of our day when we first prepared to attend primary school. None of them exists now, some razed down and most others so substantially untenable that they in essence really do not exist.

I · LIFE · Story

THE MOUNTAIN

I was seated on our bed in the hotel room which you had decided to book even though we had gone through different options and I had chosen another place. We had been walking through the shops all day, stopping only to eat. I knew you would be leaving for a long time and so everything you did seemed like repentance. I sometimes wished that things could replace you, but all I really wanted was you.

You had wanted to show me how patient you could be and I had wanted to show you how considerate I am and how responsible I am with money, so you stood outside waiting for long while I walked around in circles and if you showed me two things, sometimes I chose just one and other times I chose neither.

Now I was inspecting, picking up and putting down items one by one. I picked up the ring box casually and as carefree as I could. I had planned to say something funny, something that would not show any partiality to love, rings or feelings. I started, but, suddenly you were on one knee. You took the box from my hand, opened it and held it out. I laughed, but your face was serious and cut my nervous laugh short.

My name_ I love you. I always have. Always will. Will you be my wife again? Through loneliness, you laughed shakily. I grimaced and held my breath. I don’t quite remember what else came after that. I just wanted to remember what you knew, what you said, what you asked. “… and when you see it shining,  let it remind you of my love for you.”  I said yes; again, a little too quickly, again, in my own opinion.

I have remembered why I followed you. When we met I was looking for stability and you seemed to know the way. I allowed myself to be someone like you. You were unbound, crazy, mysterious, free and you were a mountain physically but also as a force. We secretly called you that, my high school friends and I. Yet, the same mystery and freedom scares me now and this past year and half, your mischievous eyes that can’t see, your lopsided tongue in cheek smile, and the school boy I met 15 years ago disappeared.  The torrents that beat you down, the future with all its uncertainty before you, replaced you and I missed you, constantly.

You’ve been restless. You’ve been sad. You’ve been angry.

The tips of your fingers are warm when they touch mine as though they were a matching set of prints. My heart rests when it is next to yours. I hold onto you on the plane to anchor my fluttering heart. That time, when the waves almost swallowed us, I asked you one thing. “Don’t let go of my hand. If our boat capsizes and we find ourselves in the lake, don’t let go of me.” Next to you, I feel like I have lived. I have loved. I have nothing left to fear. Without you, I feel like, I have given too much. I want it all back.

The day after I put on my new ring we went back walking and I suggested that I wanted to ice skate. You kept whispering and grumbling about how I could  break my leg but I insisted, so you kept whispering, “It’s your choice. You know how difficult it is to walk around an airport in a cast? But it’s your choice.” “You know how expensive it is to go to the hospital in a foreign country? But it’s your choice.”  I responded with, “I told you not to go back mountain climbing without a doctor’s check up and you still did it anyway.” “That was different”, you said, sensing defeat. I looked at you firmly and said,

“I want to do it anyway.” 

“Okay, it’s up to you.”

“Yes, it’s up to me.”

I had never skated a day in my life. As soon as the thin curved hook of metal touched the slippery surface of the ice, I knew I was in for it. I still had to show you that you had underestimated my strength and resilience though. I had also realised that it was not only you I was trying to convince, I was trying to prove to myself that I could handle myself hereafter.

The ice was wet-glass slippery and the audience surrounding the ice rink had a constricting racial element to it. In as far as the pyramid of the eco system goes, our race was at the bottom, so the middle superiors watched with anticipation. The man at the entrance had asked me twice if I knew that they had a disclaimer for any injuries, but there had been another one of us in the shoe dressing area who like us, is described solely by colour as if it is a paint palette, ranging from light to dark with connotations construing actual lightness for good and darkness for bad. He seemed happy and enthusiastic to help me, almost even confident about me. I held on to that little vote of confidence. I put the diastasis from carrying our children aside and pulled myself together, literally; holding my core muscles together for longer than I have in a while or ever. More complicated was that I was also wearing a semi-cropped top which I had worn with you in mind, so I gripped the plastic dolphin and learnt how to push myself forward and sweep the ice in an outward v shaped motion, mimicking the foot movements of  fearless young children who were whizzing past me and the experienced ice dancers near me, spinning and waltzing with grace- all while maintaining my posture and sticking to my stance.

About marriage- You want to bamba? You wanna chill with the big boys? (Ameno Amapiano)

Do you remember how when we got engaged, you told me that love was like the mountain we were on. You said that sometimes we would be up at the top and sometimes, we would be in what you always referred to, with amusement, as the valley of the shadow of love?