I

A Life of Ease

… A Dave Chapelle video about how a famously happy person (anyone remember Robin Williams?) Anthony Bourdain, who had all good things at his disposal had killed himself, in contrast to an almost-hotshot lawyer turned shop attendant who had lost the nothing he ever had in an ‘unamicable’ divorce, and had never even considered the thought. I see how that would be funny.

Not to me. To someone else, who didn’t know what it felt like to be in a constant state of insecurity- not the superficial state of insecurity when you forget you have cellulite and wear a short dress or when varicose veins begin creeping up your feet in a fierce blue tattoo colour that demands to be seen. A constant state of insecurity where your mind tells you that it is not safe to be here anymore, that you can’t handle it- that is what I mean.

I can see how this would happen if everyone you had ever trusted let you down. I have been here before. I know this road. I walked up this mountain, reached the cliff and when the time came for me to tumble down to my destiny, I saw the ocean on the other side. It was so vast, so expansive, all else was insignificant. I have fought more battles since, but none so intense as the one I have fought more recently- they call it death by a 1000 papercuts- slow and steady.

Happy birthday to me

It’s my birthday in two days. The last time it was my birthday in a few days I had been looking for my dreams, for hope. I had manufactured one of them; out of thin air, he had caught the breath of life. I have been thinking he was a prophet or some sort of mystery, for while I carried him, he showed me every way that the mediocrity of love in my life had been accepted as enough. That I could faint in the morning and still hold a party for friends in the afternoon. That I could awake, dress, drive and sit at a desk to feel like a fool. That the one I had held dear, planted as the sun upon whom my 19 year old life revolved around had picked up his life and left the past behind him. That the first human being I had attached to, who before that had been faultless- goddess to my young self- end all be all- had left without a shadow of doubt that she could not care less if my existence in the present world continued. In fact, it seemed, she was vexed when I stood, still, in spite of it all.

A day/night out

I feel like I have just robbed a bank and I’m on the run; scared and unequal to this opportunity. I run out of the house without going to the shower, combing my hair or changing my milk stained clothes and find the nearest nourishing ground- a spa.

“Aren’t you going to change clothes?” You might change your mind if I stay one more second.

I had driven away and then come back. One more errand, turning back as if just to check if it was really okay for me to leave. The weight of my legs getting heavier with every step I had hastily dropped a washed blanket on the roof of the car. It’s for the child. It’s for tonight, when I won’t be trekking between my room and his, making sure that he is not cold.

I had been feeding baby out of my empty body all morning. I hadn’t eaten since the day before. It felt like a miracle. It always did.

If I had not caught a glimpse of my face in the security camera I was trying to have installed, I don’t think I would have left. I already have excuses in my head lining up to greet me. I don’t deserve this.

Face up on the massage table, not relaxed; I never did like hands that I didn’t love to touch me. The room is uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar and stuffy from all the strange souls that have lain face up in it. I remember a Johnny English movie I watched where he is lying in an acupuncturist’s room, his body full of needles delicately placed, when the movie’s villain posing as his attendant, finds him right there where he should be at peace- vulnerable and unable to move.

I spend the night tossing and finally sleep in the morning. I realise what I probably already knew, that I spend nights more awake than I am at day time because baby feeds most at night. That is why I’m leaking milk to the brim when earlier I had bought a milk boosting remedy.

Before I sleep, before I fight the roaring devouring lion whom I banish to my dreams when what’s left of my defence system is eerily swinging open and closed, I watch a video of five mothers who have a show on YouTube. The topic is different today. I tune in. It feels like a pre-game gas up when you shout things in your ear that you hope your soul will hear when the fight is done within you.

I am still waiting for the light at the end of this tunnel.

Story

Maama Boy’s dreams are valid

They say, behind every successful man is a strong woman. I would like to know what the author meant by strong- did he mean agile, bendable, meek, silent or resilient? More importantly, I would like to know who stands behind the strong woman. It is certainly not the same successful man. Writing is for those whose hearts flow into pens like ink not for hearts stopped up like some dam on a river which releases a floodgate of pain every time water is released.

Florence was the name of her girlhood. Long before she became Maama Boy, Florence had been a girl. Like every girl, unknown to the world, Florence had thoughts about who she was and who she was going to be. They were not grand dreams but they were dreams, just like any little boy who dreamed of becoming a knight, saving a princess, building a castle or overthrowing the tyranny and becoming King. Except, in her dreams there were kisses, butterflies and picnics; butterfly kisses, playful kisses on the cheek, kisses on the mouth, many many kisses and many many boys. No, maybe just five, before she met her shining knight. There would be passionate breakups, – disagreements, tears and then moving on, moving onto bright sunny days, bright yellow days. This was before she understood that boys wanted more than just full perky lips.

Florence was one of five girls and as the typical African girl among one too many girls, she had always looked upon the male sex in quizzical ignorance- the one that had eluded her distraught mother, the type of child that her father had never had. It did not help that for all the twenty six years she had lived at home, her mother had never stopped cursing life for not blessing with her a male child. Though she had never said that they were not enough, she had not had to and so somehow in the bane of her existence, it had taken up roots in her veins, it flowed through her.

Taata Boy and her. Taata Boy and her. What a whirlwind, what confusion youth is.

With not one kiss too many, a ring on her finger had turned her forever into Maama Boy. Now Taata Boy, a man in his prime- for a man in his prime age is a woman in her gone age – the age difference had not been big enough to bestow upon him the pleasure of being the only voice in the house, no bestowed upon her the privilege a much younger woman finds in an older man who has navigated the seas, seen the world and is now tamed only to behold her beauty and be excited by her youthful vigour.

Taata Boy was a very busy, very important man, he certainly was not the same man who had led her through those bush thickets when he stole her away from home with selfish, unwavering, overwhelming desire.

I’m not a girlfriend. I’m a wife. This is not like me.

Their friendship ended when marriage began. After all, who is a friend if it is not someone you keep company with, someone you long to exchange minds with, someone whose presence in your life is celebrated for its vulnerable consistent voluntary choice.

No, his company, his heart and his mind were taken. He was the beginning and end of his life’s pursuits. In this way, he never wondered what Maama Boy did every evening when he stayed out with his fellow big men. He never wondered who Maama Boy talked to on week nights and weekends when he was out making big business deals. Certainly, he sometimes wondered if she even spoke. Once in a while when he shifted in his sleep into the cold windy alley between them, it was to relieve some sort of discomfort hidden in his mind, which had been unattended to by incessant phone calls or so Florence hoped.

King.

It is hard to be in love with a King. It is easier to be in servitude, to be in awe, to be in gratitude for his generous bestowing of gifts. You always need a friend but you don’t always need a King.

With Taata, she could not remember when he had last called her by her name. As his stature in society grew, his power well defined, it became her job to stand behind a successful man. Even before the maiden of his youth, he remained the successful man he was outdoors. Her role relegated to sidekick, the supporting role to his main character- dreamless, painless, laughing Florence with the wrinkled eyes. It was safe to say that she had spent those 30 years alone in her union, but here she was, receiving an award of selfless partner upon Taata’s magnificent recognition on his retirement party- a woman who had never faltered- the rock upon which he had built his empire- the strong woman behind a successful man. Hopefully, now weary, spent and unknown to her or the children, he would return to her, in quiet submission to her care in his old age.